Haircuts: There is no greater lie than the one you tell the barber: “Yeah, looks great!” while looking in the mirror at a stranger you now have to live as for the next six weeks.

The Shower Epiphany: The shower is the only place where I am a world-class philosopher, an award-winning singer, and a person who can remember the exact comeback I should have used in an argument three years ago.

Jogging: I only run if something is chasing me. If you see me sprinting down the street, you should probably start running too, because something terrifying is definitely behind me.

The Gym Membership: I don’t think of it as a “monthly fee.” I think of it as a subscription to a place I visit once a year to use the water fountain and feel guilty.

Yoga: I tried yoga once. I spent 45 minutes in a room full of strangers trying to breathe through my nose while my body made sounds like a haunted house settling for the winter.