The Bag Dilemma: I will physically injure myself carrying 14 plastic grocery bags into the house in one trip before I ever consider making a second trip to the car. It’s a matter of honor.

Grocery Logic: My diet is mostly determined by which produce looks the least intimidating to wash. “Kale? Too many ridges. An apple? I can handle a sphere.”

The Recipe Lie: Why does every recipe start with “prep time: 5 minutes”? It takes me 5 minutes just to find the salt and admit that I don’t know where the vegetable peeler is.

The Best Feeling: The pure, unadulterated shot of dopamine you get when someone cancels the plans you didn’t want to go to anyway.

Yoga Class: “Now, clear your mind and find your inner peace.” My Mind: Did I leave the oven on? No, I haven’t used the oven in weeks. Why haven’t I used the oven? I should eat a vegetable. I wonder if that dog I saw earlier remembers me.